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User blog:Joeaikman/Recapping in Rap - Chapter 8 - DCEU
Man of Steel It all kicks off on Krypton! Greetings to the Gladiator! Jets his son off into space! He’ll get to see Daddy later! Kid grows up! Adopted daddy dies! He isn’t on top of this! So packs up all his stuff and heads off to Metropolis! There he meets Lois Lane and they go to the Arctic! Spaceship! Zod shows and proves that he has hard hits! Lois saved, but Clark still isn’t headline news, boo! He’s Superman now though! Boy dressed up in blue! What’s Zod’s plan? Terraforming Earth? Sorry, what? Oh right! This is sci fi nonsense just to further on the plot! Gunna be consequences when Metropolis is left a bad wreck! Zod gets a snapped neck! Time to set up Battfleck! Batman vs Superman Bruce Wayne finds out what Supe’s did! He’s a mad man! Meanwhile Clark’s writing articles villifying the Batman They’re gonna fight it out! Ehhh, Bats would get reamed! That’s why half the film is spent on his whack ass dreams! So they meet at a gala! With Jesse Eisenberg watching! Wait, he’s Lex Luthor? But he’s not even remotely balding... It’s a new play on the character, I guess. It has to be an error! Now I see the Eisenberg era was bad news for Michael Cera! The two are finally fighting! They just punch harsher and harder! Bruce is winning! Yeah right… Then bullshit! Save Martha! Doomsday for some reason! They team up to fight that! Superman dies! Yeah, because all the audience totally buys that... Suicide Squad Affleck was unavailable and Supes is totes hells dead, Waller turns to Margot Quinn and the Fresh Prince of Belle Reve Why do I watch this shit?! Please nobody has to mourn me! An example of how to not get away with casting Jai Courtney! June Moon’s assumed control of! Enchantress takes over! Not enough villains yet? Try to get over Leto’s damaged Joker! A team of bad guys, fighting two big bads hogging the spotlight! Did nobody proofread this shit so they could get the plot right? Killer Croc takes on Incubus, with help from flame on Diablo! Enchantress has her heart broken by boyfriend and Margot! Nothing really changes, though! Back off to serve jail time! Joker survives, though this incarnation feels more like fail time! ' ' Wonder Woman Wonder Woman’s coming in to try and improve DC’s record By mixing boobs, Percy Jackson, and the Cap America method It’s war! How can one Amazonian hope to change this? She’s gonna do it! Gotta try to avenge mummy’s dead sis She’s a badass warrior woman who is pined for by Steve And thinks all sort of mundane objects are simply make believe She’s looking for Ares! She also fights Poison and germs, and Gets convinced, as is always true, the villain is a German But Ares is actually a Thewlis, British, pacifist, Remus Lupin Final fight is a let down, though Diana still gets some moves in Steve’s sacrifice sees the saviour slay a skewed soldier Modern times! The League is teased, though Di looks no older Justice League Narration! Backstory for the overly CGI villain of the flick Who returns to Earth for some more terraforming bullshit But there’s a League! Well, sort of.. Stone says no and then yes Conflicted Cyborg and Curry don’t sign up quite yet Super speed is sick! There are some perks to being Flash The League meet Steppenwulf, but they lose this clash They need a hand, so Supes is back! I called that! First they fight, though! Lois Lane has got Bat’s back They rush off to Russia and fight Wulfy as a team They’re stronger now together so Steppenwulf is beat Runs off to Darkseid, who is ready to fight the League But Earth is defended! This soppy ending is way too sweet Category:Blog posts